Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. [Romans 12:10 (NLT)]
Today is my 49th wedding anniversary and, as I was looking for material for a message about marriage, I came across a 2010 article from the New York Times. Titled “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage,” it asserted that marriage is no longer about putting the relationship first. People in what the author calls a “sustainable marriage” have spouses who “make their lives more interesting.” In something called “self-expansion,” partners “sculpt” each other “in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.” As for sculpting my partner, I may have sanded off a few of his rough edges in all these years but no relationship is sustainable when we’re trying to change our partner instead of ourselves!
I then linked to “The Sustainable Marriage Quiz” where questions were to be answered on a scale of one (not very much) to seven (very much). According to the author, the higher the score, the happier and “more sustainable” the marriage would be. It asked questions about how much our partner increased our ability to accomplish new things, increased our knowledge, resulted in our having new experiences, or was seen as a way to expand our own capabilities.
The article and quiz seemed to put the burden of our growth on our spouse. Granted, our spouses should motivate and encourage us—that’s what love does. Nevertheless, it remains our task to improve ourselves and become more accomplished, knowledgeable, interesting, and capable. The responsibility for our happiness and growth falls squarely on our shoulders, not those of our spouse. I think of the character in Jerry McGuire who said, “You complete me.” Becoming complete is not someone else’s task; it is ours!
No relationship lasts if it becomes stagnant but I wonder how long anyone can sustain an effort to keep giving one’s spouse new experiences, skills, or knowledge. As much as I love adventure, there is something delightful about doing some of the same things again and again with the person I love! The article cited research done at universities and I suspect the subjects were younger. Their concept of a “long-lasting relationship” was probably quite different than mine. When I think of a relationship as “sustained,” I think in terms of several decades not just a few months or years.
Although I believe the happy marriage is the “we” (rather than “me”) marriage, the truly sustainable marriage has a third party in it—God. As my husband and I have grown in our faith, we have grown in our love for one another. The more God-centered our marriage has been, the richer our relationship and the happier we have become. At close to half a century together, ours is not just a long-lasting relationship, but also one that is truly satisfying and sustainable. It is sustained by the grace of God through prayer and hard work. It is sustained by the effort we each make every day to love one another in a way that both meets our needs and honors God. It is sustained by thinking “we” and not “me.” It is sustained by a commitment to make the marriage work and by remembering that “love never gives up.”
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. [1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)]
The question is asked, “Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and girl clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?” And the answer is given. “Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped, their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. Old love.” [author unknown, found in “Stories for a Faithful Heart” compiled by Alice Gray]
When my children were younger, there were several occasions that I wanted to pretend I had no idea to whom they belonged! There was that time one noticed (and used) the red emergency stop button on an escalator, or another discovered the meaning of the “domino effect” after pulling over one stanchion at the airport and seeing another ten follow suit, or one managed to be so nasty to the babysitter that she went home in tears, or when hotel security came knocking because of spitballs dropping from the window of our children’s adjoining hotel room. I really didn’t want to admit I knew them, let alone had given birth to them. We expected better from our children and their conduct certainly didn’t bring honor to our name. Unfortunately, their behavior, while unacceptable, was a somewhat unavoidable and unpleasant part of their growing up. Fortunately, those times of boundary testing are long over and I am now proud that they bear my name.
Writing about my granddaughter yesterday made me think about birth defects. In actuality, all of us have what could be called birth defects—it’s just that some are more obvious than others. While all of God’s children have defects, none are defective. I consider a young man at our Florida church. Cerebral palsy keeps him strapped into a wheel chair and his physical limitations are immense. There is, however, nothing defective about this bright young man. I ponder the enthusiastic grocery worker with Down’s syndrome. She may have an extra chromosome, but there is nothing defective about her. I think of a fellow at church who has no ears. He may be deaf but there is nothing defective about him, nor is there anything defective about a friend’s grand born with only a partial arm and hand or my grand, with her heart defects and learning issues. They are all marvelously made—different from others, but no less wonderful.
I have a small wooden box on my desk—my “God box.” It’s where I literally give my concerns to God; right now there are three items in it. The first is a photograph of a little girl. It is my grand, a sweet child with three congenital heart defects—none of which is going to disappear and all of which promise more trouble in the future. She also has learning issues—none of which will dissipate and all of which will cause more difficulty as she progresses into higher grades. The second item is a medallion from a sobriety program. It represents several people I love who have battled alcoholism or addiction—a battle they will continue to fight daily for the rest of their lives. The third item is a laminated card on which is written Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer. That one is for me.
Back in 1765, Dr. John Fawcett became the pastor of a small church in Wainsgate, England. Although his congregation of farmers and shepherds paid him a modest salary and donated wool and potatoes to them, the growing Fawcett family struggled to make ends meet. When a prestigious London church extended a call to him, Fawcett accepted and preached his farewell sermon. The family’s belongings were loaded on their wagon when parishioners gathered around him and begged him to stay. When his wife cried, “Oh John, John, I cannot bear this,” the pastor agreed. He ordered the wagon unloaded and remained at that parish for 54 years. Tradition has it that Fawcett wrote the words to “Blest be the Tie” in commemoration of that day.
Upon receiving an invitation from a business acquaintance to a “Celebrate Life” picnic, my first response was “Who died?” The words “It is just for fun!” along with the promise of pony rides, moonwalk, magician and games seemed rather odd for a Celebration of Life. That this was the 19th such picnic further confused me. Fortunately, accompanying the invitation was a brief note explaining that nineteen years ago his son had overcome serious health issues and every year since his family has gathered with friends and family to celebrate. Rather than celebrating the life of someone who died, they were celebrating that he lived!
Devotions of the Heart 