Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. [Romans 12:10 (NLT)]
Today is my 49th wedding anniversary and, as I was looking for material for a message about marriage, I came across a 2010 article from the New York Times. Titled “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage,” it asserted that marriage is no longer about putting the relationship first. People in what the author calls a “sustainable marriage” have spouses who “make their lives more interesting.” In something called “self-expansion,” partners “sculpt” each other “in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.” As for sculpting my partner, I may have sanded off a few of his rough edges in all these years but no relationship is sustainable when we’re trying to change our partner instead of ourselves!
I then linked to “The Sustainable Marriage Quiz” where questions were to be answered on a scale of one (not very much) to seven (very much). According to the author, the higher the score, the happier and “more sustainable” the marriage would be. It asked questions about how much our partner increased our ability to accomplish new things, increased our knowledge, resulted in our having new experiences, or was seen as a way to expand our own capabilities.
The article and quiz seemed to put the burden of our growth on our spouse. Granted, our spouses should motivate and encourage us—that’s what love does. Nevertheless, it remains our task to improve ourselves and become more accomplished, knowledgeable, interesting, and capable. The responsibility for our happiness and growth falls squarely on our shoulders, not those of our spouse. I think of the character in Jerry McGuire who said, “You complete me.” Becoming complete is not someone else’s task; it is ours!
No relationship lasts if it becomes stagnant but I wonder how long anyone can sustain an effort to keep giving one’s spouse new experiences, skills, or knowledge. As much as I love adventure, there is something delightful about doing some of the same things again and again with the person I love! The article cited research done at universities and I suspect the subjects were younger. Their concept of a “long-lasting relationship” was probably quite different than mine. When I think of a relationship as “sustained,” I think in terms of several decades not just a few months or years.
Although I believe the happy marriage is the “we” (rather than “me”) marriage, the truly sustainable marriage has a third party in it—God. As my husband and I have grown in our faith, we have grown in our love for one another. The more God-centered our marriage has been, the richer our relationship and the happier we have become. At close to half a century together, ours is not just a long-lasting relationship, but also one that is truly satisfying and sustainable. It is sustained by the grace of God through prayer and hard work. It is sustained by the effort we each make every day to love one another in a way that both meets our needs and honors God. It is sustained by thinking “we” and not “me.” It is sustained by a commitment to make the marriage work and by remembering that “love never gives up.”
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. [1 Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)]
The question is asked, “Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and girl clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?” And the answer is given. “Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped, their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. Old love.” [author unknown, found in “Stories for a Faithful Heart” compiled by Alice Gray]
I often find myself lost in the Bible, fascinated by this amazing book of history, poetry, passion, and wisdom. Comparing translations and reading commentaries helps me understand the context and meaning of verses. Knowing something about the specific church to whom Paul was writing, for example, allows me to better understand his directions, many of which seem peculiar in today’s world where churches don’t argue about circumcision and food isn’t offered to idols. For example, Paul wasn’t playing fashion police when giving instructions about hair length and head coverings to the church in Corinth. Although Greek women worshipped without head coverings, Jewish women had always covered their heads in worship—an uncovered head for them was a sign of loose morals. Moreover, in Corinth (the city with Aphrodite’s temple and its 1000 prostitutes) both long hair on men and short hair on women were signs of prostitution. Paul was trying to unify both Jewish and Gentile believers and prevent anyone’s appearance from interfering with their ability to be a witness for Christ. Bible study also makes old familiar verses take on deeper meaning. David’s sorrowful words of repentance in Psalm 51 are even more poignant when we know they refer to his adultery with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah. Bible study, however, is far more than an intellectual exercise; it enables us to know God as He revealed himself in Scripture and then to weave His word into our daily lives.
My doorbell rang and, by the time I got to the door the FedEx man was walking away, having left a large box on the porch. As he backed out of the driveway, I shouted a thanks and brought in my latest order from Amazon.
The elderly Abraham and Sarah laughed at the thought of the two of them making a child and the old Jewish priest Zechariah doubted his barren wife could conceive. Yet, a thirteen-year old virgin believed that she would miraculously bear a son and a pagan Roman officer believed Jesus could heal his servant with just a word.
“I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” sang the Rolling Stones in 1965. Back in 520 BC, the Jews of Jerusalem were probably singing their own version of that song. Sixteen years earlier, upon their return to Jerusalem from exile in Babylon, they had started to rebuild the temple just as God had instructed them to do. Within two years, however, construction had stopped. Granted, they had hostile neighbors who, fearing a prosperous Jewish state, harassed them. In actuality, though, they were more to blame for their delay than were their political opponents. Questioning God’s timing, they’d grown discouraged, lost focus and become more concerned about building their own homes than finishing God’s house. God sent a message to the people through the prophet Haggai pointing out that the harder the people worked for themselves, the less they had to show for it. By ignoring God and fulfilling their needs first, the Jews were destined to remain unsatisfied. Moreover, God was angry that He had been ignored. So angry, in fact, that He sent a drought to destroy their crops and livestock.
Devotions of the Heart 