Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. [1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)]
I was married fifty-seven years ago today. When I promised to love, comfort, honor, cherish, forsake all others, and to have and to hold my husband “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health” until we parted at death, I had no idea just how bad “for worse” could get, how little money “for poorer” might be, or that sickness could mean much more than a case of the flu. I certainly never pictured us growing old with wrinkles, white hair, hearing aids, bifocals, arthritis, and the limitations that come advanced years.
My husband and I had known each other for less than a year when we made our vows. Although we took them seriously and sincerely meant every word we said, at 20 and 24, neither of us had any inkling of the challenges that would accompany parenthood or how difficult it can be to cherish someone whose words or actions hurt us or with whom we disagree. With 43% of all first marriages ending in divorce, we’re not the only ones who entered into marriage so naively. Since 60% of second marriages fail and 73% of third ones do, some people never learn!
Like many couples, we had 1 Corinthians 13 read during the ceremony. Paul, however, wasn’t writing to young lovers or for a wedding—he was writing to the church in Corinth. The word he used for love wasn’t eros, the Greek word for romantic or sexual love, nor was it philia, meaning brotherly love, or storge, meaning familial love. It was agape and describes the kind of love that comes from God (who is love) and the kind of love believers are to have for all their fellow travelers on this planet. Agape is an unconditional love that doesn’t depend on appearance, physical attraction, or emotions. Unlike eros, agape isn’t something we fall into or out of. Agape is more than a feeling; it is a deliberate choice (and one that must be made daily if any marriage is to survive)!
Although Paul was addressing his words to the church and specifically speaking about the necessity of love when using spiritual gifts, his description of agape love holds true in marriage, as well. In the decades since our wedding, we’ve experienced good and not so good times. There have been periods of plenty and sparseness, illness and well-being, tragedy and joy, fullness and emptiness, anger and forgiveness, excitement and tedium, labor and leisure, vulnerability and security, loss and gain, turmoil and peace, discontent and satisfaction. Although eros brought us together, eros alone couldn’t have gotten us through those times. Only agape love could have kept us together all these decades.
Agape mirrors the love God showed us on Calvary and, by the grace of God, our marriage survives because of agape! While Jesus’ sacrifice saved mankind, the sacrifices made in marriage save the unity of the relationship! The unrestricted, unrestrained, unselfish, and sacrificial love of agape is a conscious choice. None of us are loveable all of the time; we can, however, choose to be loving all of the time!
The love that is affirmed at a wedding is not just a condition of the heart but an act of the will, and the promise that love makes is to will the other’s good even at the expense sometimes of its own good—and that is quite a promise. … A marriage made in heaven is one where they become more richly themselves together than the chances are either of them could ever have managed to become alone. [Frederick Buechner]
Devotions of the Heart 